cut sons hair

hello to all...as some of u may remember i was curious as to how long is too long for a toddler's(17mo old boy) hair...well the decision was made for me, one of the family members(who shall remain nameless) took caden to the mall and cut his hair:( i was just so angry i could not speak!!!
the only good thing is she saved the hair 4 me (it was his 1st haircut) it is still kinda long for a boy and as much as i hate to admit it , i like it.....but i really LOVED his long locks...i feel so cheated..am i overreacting? it will grow back i know ...BUT I AM STILL SEETHING....does anyone have any words of enlightenment?

That is completely out of line! I'm sure you realize this though, so it might not be helping anything. I think you have every right to feel upset.

The good news is that it will grow back before you know it, and now you get a chance to see what he looks like with short hair. He's your baby so I know you'll love him no matter what he looks like.

!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I'm speechless.

Something worse happened to my
mother. When she was like 3 yrs
old, her aunt pierced her ears!

Please tell us, did Caden have any
comment? I hope he wasn't forced.
How does he feel about it?

[QUOTE=duke] Please tell us, did Caden have any
comment? I hope he wasn't forced.
How does he feel about it?
[/QUOTE]

His comments? How did he feel? He is 17 months old. Hair isn't his top priority right now. He'd be more concerned about being around people he didn't know that having a stylish 'do.

JF

That happened to me one time! My daughter was about 2 and my mother in law decided she needed her bangs "trimmed". They ended up micro bangs! I was FURIOUS! Needless to say she NEVER got another chance to cut any of my childrens hair again. So, yes I DO know how you are feeling right now! My heart goes out to you! Debbie

How can someone do that? That is so mean. I don't suppose that he's old enough to have an opinion, but what about you? That is so sneaky and decietful, doing that without asking you. Saving the hair for you is like rubbing your face in what they did.

thats terrible.

i would be so angry.

it reminds me of my mom who had a friend who had a young daughter (maybe 5 or 4) and they hired a babysitter who, while they were gone, decide to cut the girls hair.

actually ive heard things like that from a lot of people. about babysitters doing stupid things.

but your own FAMILY? thats. not right.

As your son is presently unable to express his preference for his hair length, it is your decision as a parent that has to be adhered to.

That someone other than a childs parents have made and implemented their own decision regarding his bodily part is out of order.

If I was his mother, I would take measures to prevent this ever happening again.
I would forbid it in the strongest terms and if there was a danger that despite my instruction, it would happen again, I would not leave my son alone in the care of that person.

When Caden is able to communicate his preference then no one elses decision or opinion will matter.
Until that time - everyone other than Mum and Dad has to be told.."Hands Off".

This is a case of disrespectful behaviour, no matter how trivial others may make it out to be.

These things happen, especially with grandparents. They are wonderful substitute caregivers who can give you a break from parenting, but they have their own ideas of parenting. While they may present these ideas in an arrogant way, that they know better, they aren't always bad ideas.

And people won't follow your instructions. You tell grandma he isn't supposed to have any candy and she takes him to get candy. You want him to earn a new toy with chores and she buys the toy. Outrage isn't the best emotion, because she means well. Just discuss it. Explain where you're coming from.

As for Caden, don't worry about him. He isn't aware of how long his hair is. Everything is just what's in front of him. He's at the stage where he wants the ball, so he says, "ball" or "puppy." His attention span doesn't last. He's even too young to be afraid of strangers. That won't happen for a year.

What concerns me is that you have fixated on what you want. You want his hair long, so it's long. That's a fine decision for your own hair, but may not be best for him. He isn't old enough to make his own choice, and I hope when he is, you'll let him do that.

When he gets a little older, say 3 or 4, he'll be socializing. What you don't want is for him to be different than the other kids. For them to have a reason to tease or ostracize him. Or for the parents to be saying something that gives their kids an impression. Individuality is great and should be encouraged, but it has to be your son's individuality, not yours. If those differ, they differ. Even when he first asserts that individuality, ages 6-8, you have to be careful. Kids don't understand the consequences. Later, they do, and they can make the choice of whether individuality or conforming is more important.

[QUOTE]ndividuality is great and should be encouraged, but it has to be your son's individuality, not yours. If those differ, they differ.[/QUOTE]

You put that really well, Rod.
I agree wholeheartedly.

actually you all would be suprised on how much he did have to say about the whole thing....i'm told he SCREAMED his head off from the moment he saw the salon until he was in the car...then when i saw him he kept looking in the mirror and asking
Caden????and pulling at his hair. this continued for 2 days after the haircut...he used to grab my brush everyday to brush his hair now he grabs the brush to "help mom brush her hair" he used to look in the mirror all the time now he seems indifferent. Even his father noticed the change in his personality so I know its not my imagination....since the incident...my mother in law is FORBIDDEN to have any contact with him w/o supervision....indeffinetly(spelling?) this may sound harsh but if you met her you would understand...although it has been 3 weeks, I am still furious hope it passes

Let's be realistic and honest here.
I have a 5 year old daughter. Even though I wear my hair very short, my daughter has fairly long hair, a little girl's style and length of hair.

Now I believe very much in individuality. But I also know that when children are small, boys wear short hair and girls have hair a little longer. That is common so we can tell boys from girls.
Now when boys and girls become men and women they mature. Their bodies mature and their voices and facial features mature. So even if a woman is bald or a man has hair down to his ankles, you can still easily tell that the bald woman is a woman and the man with long hair is a man. But when kids are real little,-(unless you peek under their little clothes tee hee, nothing dirty intended there!)- it is harder to tell isn't it!
Of course a little girl with very short hair or a little boy with very long hair would be ostracized by the other kids! That's a no brainer! You have to use your common sense.

When the boy is grown up and has a man's features then he can grow his hair to his knees if he wants to, like the handsome Dave Decker who moderates the long hair board here does. Many men have long hair.

And when a girl grows up and has a woman's body and features, then, if she wants to, she can wear her hair very short as I do. Many women wear their hair in short hair styles.


Adults are different than kids. Don't put your kid through alot of uneccesary hell. Life is tough enough for kids.

tina i really dont think thats fair...when he gets old enough to make his own decisions i'm all for it and if its a crew cut or high and tight FINE! no problem...however if you had read my first post about if i should cut his hair you would realize i'm not forcing anthing...furthermore i own a daycare and i am more than aware than the average person on how cruel kids can be...however he really seemed to enjoy his hair long..he brushed it everyday and hardly ever got food in it...he even enjoyed having it washed and conditioned...he is very well liked by all the kids in daycare as well as really being a people person when we go to the park he says hi to anyone who happens to pass...so i really resent the implication that somehow i am forcing this child to do anything...I had 8 miscarriages before finally being able to give birth to him and I only want to make him the happiest most well adjusted child, i gave up my career as a morgage banker and moved to a different state just so i could devote all my time to him...does that sound like a child who is being put through unneccesary hell of childhood....he is very much a rough and tumble little boy who just happened to like long hair...

I know you love your kid and I'm sure you are a good mother, but you have to realize he and his playmates are still very young. A couple of years from now when he's 4 or 5 yrs. old, other kids when they are that age are a little meaner and know more than when they are 2. Then he would get a bad time from the other kids. If I were you I wouldn't get too angry with the person who had your son's hair cut. They were just trying to protect him.

But that's your problem to deal with.

Good luck to you and yours.

at 4 and 5 years old he can tell me how he wants his hair... he already makes choices about his appearance...if he doesnt like his shirt he takes it off and bring me a new one...if he wants different shoes he brings me the shoe he wants etc. so my main gripe is not if his hair is long or short...it is the gall of this woman who cut his hair, not to protect him but so as not to embarrass her in front of her little click of old women friends...

i think the whole point is this person did it agaist your wishes. which i feel that person had no business doing. just my 2 cents.

Well, thank you, Cadensmama for showing
some of the posters that a 17-month-old
IS able to express preferences!

It is time people learned that a young
child is not a vegetable. Here is something
from my huge living-encyclopedia fact
database: King Louis XIII of France could
play the violin when he was just about
exactly Caden's age! Anyway, Cadensmama
said it all - he not only complained, but was
adversely affected by having his hair cut.

Tina M, I don't agree with you. Whatever
the advantages of having different lengths
of hair to distinguish childrens' gender
(and yes, there are advantages), that is
no excuse for forced haircuts. Children
should not have to look a certain way for
your viewing convenience. How do you
think the mother felt when the mother in
law did that?

How many kids do you have Duke? My guess is none.

Wait until you have a son, if you ever do Duke. Let the kid have long hair when he goes to school. Watch the kid get beat up by other boys in the school and mocked by the girls.

Maybe Grandma was wrong to give the kid a haircut because it wasn't her kid. But the mother should have had enough common sense to give the boy a haircut.

And when children are small Duke we "force" them to do all kinds of things, otherwise they would grow up to be spoiled brats. I don't care if some freakish genius played the violin when he was little. Kids obviously need to learn things from their parents and adults, including that they don't always get their way about everything.

We "force" them to help with chores, we "force" them to be toilet trained. We "force" them to go to pre-school, to church. We force them to wear warm clothes in the winter so they don't catch cold, etc. We "force" them to do all kinds of stuff, including getting haircuts.

Children need to learn things, including they don't always get their way. If not they grow up stupid, selfish and spoiled, which is one of the big problems we have in the western world at least with the wealthier classes. They spoil there little darlings, let them do whatever they like, in the name of "sensitivity to the child". What a bunch of liberal elite BALONEY!!! What a bunch of AIRHEAD parents!!!!! I mean I'm liberal in some ways but my daughter is not a spoiled brat, and neither will the child I'm presently pregnant with be spoiled. I didn't grow up withe the rich liberal set of people, thank God!

Kids have to learn the meaning of no as well as yes. They need to learn they don't always get what they want. And parents often do make decisions for kids when they are little, otherwise you are not doing your job as a parent.

I hope you don't have kids Duke if you think that two year olds should be able to do whatever they like. They don't have maturity yet, they are not adults yet. They are little kids. They don't get to make every decision when they are a little kid. Geeezzz. Anyone would know that!

Thank God some people still have common sense when raising kids, that we are not all airheads yet.

The point is, Caden's mother did NOT want his hair cut. It seems Caden himself did NOT want his hair cut either. The mother in law took it upon herself and she was way out of line.
Little kids can and do want to have long hair. I have long hair, my ex had long hair. My son had long hair, no cuts until he was five or six.
When I remarried to a man with short hair, who had a son with short hair, my boy ASKED to have his hair cut to match the others in the family.
He kept his hair short until he was 21, and has grown it out for about a year.
No one gave him a lot of grief about his long hair, he just said it was long like daddy's and that pretty much ended it.
I let him do as he liked, and I do NOT understand these people who hve a major control trip about their kid's hair. My girls knew I preferred their hair long, and the older ones did not cut until they were over 18, out of respect for me. If they had cut it earlier, I have to admit, I would have tried to discourage them, BUT I would not have said absolutely not, the world will end, punishment will commence, etc., like some people do.
The youngest got crazy with her girlfriends and fried her hair one weekend and I myself cut it and it has been short ever since. She likes it and I have gotten used to it.
Caden's mom, let his hair grow out, thankfully little kids' hair seems to grow pretty quickly. Bless his little heart, it breaks my heart to think of him looking in the mirror and wondering about his hair. I am with you, tell Grandma to buzz off and stay gone!!!!!

Tina M, I think you are trying to push your personal beliefs about child rearing onto Caden's mom and that was not what she asking for. Saying that she should have had "enough common sense to give the kid a haircut" is rude and not called for. Lighten up a little, the kid's hair length is her business, not the mother in law's and not yours (or mine) either.

Karrine, I could care less about this woman or her kid, I don't even know them.
But in most neighborhoods, maybe not all neighborhoods, a little boy that stands out from the rest of the little boys and appears to them to be "girly" is going to get his little rear end kicked.

For better or worse we are not living in the "hippie" era any more you might have noticed. Yes there are still some long haired men but very rarely, anywhere I have been in recent years in America, do you see little boys with long hair. They would obviously be picked on and ostracized, especially in tough blue collar neighborhoods.


But like I said it's not my problem, I've got my own kids to raise.

In my experience, kids are teased more often about the way they carry themselves than their actual physical appearance. I remember a couple boys with longer hair and they were never made fun of, and I grew up in a pretty conservative area. Some kids who were overweight were teased and tortured, but others who were just as heavy were "popular" and respected. Looking "different" will definately put the kid at a slight disadvantage, but if he is confidant, charismatic and friendly he shouldn't won't have any problems. Just to clarify, I'm talking about when he'll reach kindergarten and elementary school, not his current age of 17 months. I don't have any children of my own, but I'm 18 so I still remember my own childhood fairly well.

On a side note, I do think tina has some sensible ideas on not letting children do whatever they want. However, the reason I don't think hair fits into this is because it's a superficial decision, and doesn't affect the health or well being of the child. Also, why is forcing a child to cut their hair better than forcing them to keep it long? Both seem to be personal preferences of the parents.

i know what you mean tina, i live in the midwest and in many parts of the country like the midwest, and other parts of the country, a girly boy with long hair , well, the kids would make life miserable for him.

Dakota,

What is your opinion of long hair. I too used to live in the mid-west and it was quite normal to have shoulder length or so on a guy, and he was wearing a cowboy hat!

For me, personally, I'm around military hair cuts all the time, so long hair on a guy is to that length, but I do remember seeing a lot of that!

Edited to add that Dave's hair with the definition of long just doesn't do it justice

You're absolutely right, Tina. I DON'T
have kids. And I think I never will,
either. And you know why? Because
there is too much evil, controlling and
misery in the world. But I flatly
disagree with you that one must
make all the decisions for little kids.
Just plain having your way does not
make you "spoiled". Being given too
much money, toys, electronic
equipment etc, not being expected to
behave like a good citizen etc. It has
nothing to do with just having choices
in life - and certainly nothing to do
with such trivial things as how to wear
your hair.