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 Is it wrong to curl my son's hair?

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yingyangmom View Drop Down
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Joined: Jun 16, 2006
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Posted: Jun 16, 2006 at 10:38am
I wasn't sure which sub forum to post this, but since it is more about whether or not I should do it, as opposed to questions about actually doing it, I thought I'd ask here!

What I am really seeking is some advice.

My 12 year old son has near shoulder length hair. The last couple of times he has had his hair trimmed, I've taken him to my stylist rather than the ol' barbershop that his Dad used to take him to before he started to grow it.

My stylist thinks longer hair really suits him (she loves long hair on guys anyway) but likes styled hair, not unkempt hair. She told me that she'd really like to see him grow it to mid-back length and then have a spiral perm when he starts college; she thinks that would be totally awesome and that the girls would love it. Anyway, my question....

His hair lacks body etc. My stylist is adjusting the cut and getting a feel fro his hair each time she trims it, but she thinks it could do with some help to look it's best and she's suggested a body perm, but maybe not just yet. She suggested I play around a little bit at home with his hair, using a curling iron, or some heated rollers, or even regular rollers after washing his hair sometime. She said she could do it in the salon, but that it may be better to try things at home first. My skills aren't that great, but I am willing to give it a try.

So.... I am shopping with my mom on Tuesday and since she has more experience than me with rollers, I ask her which ones she thinks would be best as we pass the hair care section. She asked me what I wanted to do with my hair and said she could do it for me, and then I explained it was for my son. She then starts telling me how I can't go and curl his hair, how he is a boy etc, how I am a bad mom for being so stupid and so on and so on.

I didn't buy the rollers with her, but today, I thought to myself how stupid this was and I got myself all fired up went out and got both some velcro rollers and also some hot rollers (I have a curling iron already for my own hair). They are sitting in my closet in a plastic bag right now, unopened and I am doubting myself again.

Am I being silly? Am I really going to "corrupt" my son by curling his hair, putting a few waves/some extra body into it? If so, I guess I had better stop before I start, but I can't hardly believe it. Finally, if I am being silly and should just go ahead, any suggestions for introducing my son to something unusual, and I guess something he might consider more feminine related to his hair? I'd like him to enjoy this experience too and reassure him about this. I'd really like him to understand that rollers, perms etc, are just tools that can make hair look better, but I am not sure what other people think (except my mom of course!!!).

Thanks

Kristin


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anne6000 View Drop Down
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Joined: May 20, 2006
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Posted: Jun 16, 2006 at 10:38am
I hope your post is a joke.  If not, there's one important question you've forgotten to ask, how does your son feel about this?  You've given your thoughts and opinions, but it's his hair, and he's an adolescent and should be making these decisions himself.  Unless he's really into styling his hair like a girl, I'd say you are doing damage by pushing him, not only pushing him in general, but pushing him in a direction far away from most 12 yo boys.   If this isn't a joke, you might want to pose your question to a child therapist and you might learn how to allow your son to be himself, rather than what you think he should be.

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TMortis View Drop Down
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Joined: Apr 22, 2006
Location: United States
Posted: Jun 17, 2006 at 10:38am
I agree with anne. First, my own inroduction to curlers was at 13, and my own choice. I WANTED curls and waves. You must talk to him about the options of keeping his hair neat. Pulled back in a pony tail, clipped, waved, or return to the more traditional cuts.  Just below the ears lobes, or a modified shag might be nice for him and easy to care for.  Please keep us informed of HIS decisions.

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Kuroneko View Drop Down
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Joined: Aug 27, 2003
Location: USA
Posted: Jun 19, 2006 at 10:38am
Is it wrong to curl your son's hair?  No.  Will it give him some kind of gender identity crisis?  Maybe, maybe not.  Will kids at school poke fun at him if he curls his hair?  Likely.  But more than those questions, what you should be doing is asking your son what he wants to do with his hair.  He's at the age where he can start deciding these things for himself.

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Anniex123 View Drop Down
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Joined: Jun 25, 2006
Location: United States
Posted: Jun 25, 2006 at 10:38am
First, let me say that if your son would like to have his hair curled or in curls, I think that's fine. But the big question is if he want it.

Here's my experience. when my son (now 22) was 11 he had really long hair. He wanted it that way and we let him. During the summer that year, I talked him into letting me set his hair. The result was gorgeous. I loved it and I thought he did too. One thing lead to another and about every day that summer his dad wasn't home I had my son's curlers, perm rods, curling irons, crimpers, hot rollers, you name it.

You have to understand I loved doing hair when I was growing up with my sisters. Any girlfriend came to me and I was the local hair stylist for my friends. I missed that and when my son gave me a chance I jumped at it. When my husband was gone over night, my son and I had our hair in rollers over night.

Come time to go back to school, his hair was even longer and by now I was enthralled with doing it. He never said a word that indicated to me he didn't enjoy it as much as I did. THen he went back to school and about a week later a friend of mine who is a teacher called me up to say my son was getting teased about his curls at school.

I asked him about it and he said he was. I asked him if he wanted to get it cut and he started crying. I asked why and he said because he didn't think I'd let him. He finally told me he thought I wanted him to be a girl and he was just trying to please me.

I can't tell you how bad I felt. I mean, in the Worst Mothers Hall of Fame, I knew there was a place for me. We got it cut that day. And I never even mentioned it to anyone again. I was so ashamed of myself for being so thoughtless.

So, again I say, if he wants it, fine. But how are you going to know for sure when my son would have let me make a girl out of him just because he thought it would make me happy.

I think better to let boys be boys. It's hard enough for them.

Ann

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x-littleme-x View Drop Down
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Joined: Jun 24, 2006
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Posted: Jun 26, 2006 at 10:38am

I will be honest, I didnt read all of that however I think if he wants his hair curled why not? If the stylist has recommended it then she must feel it will look good. So yeah, if he wants it, go for it!


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anne6000 View Drop Down
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Joined: May 20, 2006
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Posted: Jun 26, 2006 at 10:38am
[QUOTE=Anniex123] One thing lead to another and about every day that summer his dad wasn't home I had my son's curlers, perm rods, curling irons, crimpers, hot rollers, you name it.   [/QUOTE]
 
If you felt that what you were doing to your son was perfectly healthy and normal, then why did you try and hide it from your husband?

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Anniex123 View Drop Down
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Joined: Jun 25, 2006
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Posted: Jun 27, 2006 at 10:38am
Well, you're undoubtedly right. My husband is a macho kind of guy and anything like that with his son would undoubtedly have thrown him into a fit. I guess I knew down deep that I was doing some really feminine things with my son and I shouldn't have been doing it.

My point was that he seemed to be enjoying it, and maybe he was. But I should never have kept it up after school started again. Kids are tough on kids that look, act or seem different. I knew that and shouldn't have ever sent him to school looking the least bit girlie.

I admit it was my thing, not his. And that was my point to the original poster. Make sure HE wants to have his hair curled, not that SHE wants it.

Annie

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SugarCube View Drop Down
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Joined: Jul 24, 2006
Location: United States
Posted: Aug 01, 2006 at 10:38am

you can't force a child to keep a certain hairstlye. My daughter Miri told me how this one boy got laughed at all day just for wearing a pink shirt. If HE wants his hair curled then go for it but explain to him its okay if he doesn't want his hair curled. Just try to not put pressure on him k.


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Laney View Drop Down
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Joined: Aug 24, 2006
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Posted: Sep 18, 2006 at 10:38am

As a man who's enjoyed having my hair set (and wearing the resulting styles) for years, I'd like to add my viewpoint: No. 1, obviously you should check in with your son first, and No. 2, if he's up for experimenting with his hairstyle, go for it. It's no more 'wrong' to curl your son's hair than it is to let him grow it out, or to use a blow dryer. They're just styling choices, and having him make moral judgments -- "guys who curl their hair are sissies" -- is far more destructive than letting him make his own choices about his personal appearance. Helping him see that however he chooses to do his hair is fine would be a wonderful thing -- and I can guarantee that you'll enjoy the time spent setting his hair, while he's in rollers, and styling it. 

My suggestion: on an upcoming evening tell him you'd like to have some fun and experiment with his hair, and ask him if he'd like to see how it looks with some body and curl. If he likes his stylist, let him know that she suggested it. Then make it a fun evening, maybe watch a movie together while he's in rollers (even better, roll your own hair too). See what his response is and act accordingly. Have fun!


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babycheeks24 View Drop Down
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Joined: Jun 17, 2006
Location: United States
Posted: Sep 18, 2006 at 10:38am
i think hes to young, to cause damage to his hair with HEAT! But if your using soft curlers i dont see the problem if he likes it, but then again i think your teaching him that beauty matters a little to much, just let him be aboy and so what if his hair is flat!babycheeks242006-09-18 18:18:50

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Traci_cheer07 View Drop Down
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Joined: Sep 20, 2006
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Posted: Sep 21, 2006 at 10:38am

My daughter directed me to this thread and I thought my experience might be relevant. I've been curling my son's hair, and styling it in feminine ways, for almost 3 years now. Here's how it started:

 

I have two teenaged daughters, and Blair, my son, is now 11. My daughters and I are all "hair crazy" -- we love having long hair and use lots of styling products, hot rollers, curling irons, etc. Hardly a day goes by when at least one of us is not in curlers. I've always liked long hair on boys and pretty much let Blair grow his hair from when he was a toddler. His hair is brownish-blonde, shoulder-length (and gorgeous). He has never asked to have short hair.

 

When he was 9 Blair piped up one day and said "How come I can't curl my hair like the girls?" I was taken aback but after a moment said, "Well, you can honey." I explained to him what was involved in curling your hair -- heated rollers, wearing rollers while your hair dries, sitting under the dryer, and so on -- and he said, basically, when can I start?

 

I set his hair on hot rollers for the first time that weekend, and everybody, including Blair, loved the result. Even my husband admitted that the soft waves were "nice." Blair then asked to wear curls all the time.

 

I tried to explain to him that it was fine to wear his hair however he wants, and to use rollers and other hair accessories, but that some people might think it was funny or girlish. "I don't care," he said, and I have to say he has never shown much concern about what other people think. Since then I've been setting his hair a few times a week. He wears it in a high ponytail when it's not curled. Gradually he started asking for other styles, and I've gotten him some barrettes and some headbands. After I roll it he often wears his hair pulled back in barrettes or a girl's headband. I set his hair before school, or put it up in a ponytail, or in 2 braids. I'm pretty careful about not having him be seen by his friends in rollers (although a few times he's been out in public in them), but most of the family, including his cousins, have seem him in them.

 

I've asked the teachers if he gets a lot of teasing at school and they've said that, in general, the other kids have gotten used to it and just accept him. I have not noticed this "warping" Blair or turning him into a crossdresser (although recently, when his sister made the cheerleading squad, he began expressing interest in joining the Pep Squad, which is coed, when he gets to middle school). I have to admit I love it that he takes care of his appearance, and I very much enjoy doing his hair. He gets compliments, usually from women my age, often on his hair. He also gets mistaken for a girl sometimes, which he seems to kind of enjoy. I suspect that he'll turn out to be a crossdresser to some extent and I've talked to a couple of therapists & friends about his hairstyling adventures and, to one degree or another, they all say "Let him be himself."

 

I think as long as you're careful about separating your motives (enjoying feminine things with your son) from his, you'll be all right. Don't let the way other people think, including your mother, determine your son's personal-appearance choices.  

 

Good luck and please let us know what you decide,

 

Traci


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TMortis View Drop Down
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Joined: Apr 22, 2006
Location: United States
Posted: Sep 23, 2006 at 10:38am
How I wish my mom had been so open.  when she would perm my sister's and grandmothers hair, i would ALWAYS be in the same room pretending to play cars or cards or something. I loved the aroma and the curls. oh the curls!!! I rememeber one night on the back porch I played a game with my cousin and we had a hair game that we would guess if it was a girls' hairdo or boys. We would close our eyes and the other one would 'do' the other. i waited as long as i could before i would guess. I always wanted a feminine style. 

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Sharyg11 View Drop Down
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Joined: May 05, 2005
Location: United States
Posted: Sep 23, 2006 at 10:38am
Why would you want to put the poor thing throug that? Unless that is what he wants. I think the best thing about being a boy is that you don't have to fuss with your hair like us girls. Oh how I wish all I needed to do was to go to a barber shop every 3 weeks and buzz my worries away. Even if it is scissor cut, it is still alot less time, and alot less worring about hair.
 
I'm personally old fashion. Boys are boys. I have three nephews ages 3-9. Thank God  they have no problem with keeping their hair short. Have never expressed any desired to wear their hair in any other way than the short buzz cut they always get. And that is good for them, because if they wanted braids, curls or something like that, they wouldn't be getting them LOL.
 

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TMortis View Drop Down
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Joined: Apr 22, 2006
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Posted: Sep 23, 2006 at 10:38am
men with curls  women with buzz cuts. Lets all just be happy with ourselves. i want curls

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Sharyg11 View Drop Down
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Joined: May 05, 2005
Location: United States
Posted: Sep 23, 2006 at 10:38am
TMortis,
 
Absolutly right! Be yourself. If you want curls, then get them. But you are an adult capable and able to make whatever descision is right for you. If as a grown up you looked at yourself and said curls is what I want, then you have every right to get them. And if having curls makes you happy, then you go boy! get them curls.
But When we are talking about kids, is a totally different story.

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TMortis View Drop Down
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Joined: Apr 22, 2006
Location: United States
Posted: Sep 25, 2006 at 10:38am
You're right. Kids are subject to the parents foibles and demands and are afraid sometimes to express themselves. I read once where the first words you say to your newborn child is...'I'm sorry', becasue most parents, myself included didn't get the manual on raising children.

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Jenny-B View Drop Down
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Joined: Feb 24, 2007
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Posted: May 10, 2007 at 10:38am
I finally found this thread.  Someone else had mentioned it, but this is the first time I've read. 
 
I think I'm pretty much with the majority of the other respondents on this one.  There's nothing wrong with curling your son's hair, but it may not be the best thing for him.  And, as others have responded, the first and most important filter is really what does he want?  If he likes having his hair curled--and a surprising number of guys do I think--then I don't see anything wrong with doing so.  And in an ideal world, that should really be enough.  But it's not
 
As a parent, you still need to think about the bigger issues (though who am I to lecture you, childless as I am?!!), particularly if he goes out in public with curled hair.  Is his life going to be negatively impacted by other children's teasing or by changing the perceptions others have of him?  If so, it may not be a good idea, even if he likes it.  There is something to be gained by enduring teasing and being your own person regardless of what others say, but it often comes with costs.  Is your son capable of accurately assessing those costs and deciding what he wants?  Perhaps.  Or perhaps not. 
 
Personally, I love long hair on guys and think it's great when guys do things with their hair that are generally considered more feminine like braids, hair ornaments, or curls.  Just ask my poor boyfriend--he's the frequent victim of my twisted views Wink  I also think that it would be wonderful if more boys grew up enjoying the things that society tells us are just for girls, particularly with regard to hair.  Hair is wonderful, so why shouldn't they enjoy all of the fun that we girls have if they want?  The boundaries between masculine and feminine are gradually breaking down in our society.  But going against accepted norms is still potentially costly, especially to those that can't accurately assess the costs. 

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TMortis View Drop Down
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Joined: Apr 22, 2006
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Posted: Jun 22, 2007 at 10:38am
Bravo Jenny.  When you have children, i know you will let them grow. i am the father of 4, and my thoughts are...trust them until they give you a reason not to. Their mother ( my ex0 says...my way or the highway, so they are conflicted even now at their age 27 - 25- 22-19.

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LauraX View Drop Down
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Joined: Sep 27, 2007
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Posted: Sep 27, 2007 at 10:38am
There is nothing wrong with curling your 12 year old sons hair. Many boys would welcome the attention. You may consider that it brings him closer to you in many ways. I would consider also encouraging him to consider wearing some selected girls clothing while you do this. I am serious. It will give him a broader prospective as to how females feel and as a result make him a better husband in the future. He will fully appreciate what women go through to be pretty. My Mother was single and it was just her and I and she used to fix my long hair all the time. She would even put makeup on me and paint my nails. At about 10 years old she let me sleep in one of her silky long nightgowns and I felt very close to her because of it. I asked if I could also wear a pair of her panties to bed with the nightie and she gave me some very pretty one that were my own special nighttime panties. By 12 I was wearing some of her skirts and blouses on the weekends and finally she bought me some pretty satin panties, 2 pretty lacy bras, a pretty satin half slip and matching camisole, a very pretty dress with my own little high heels for my 12th birthday. She asked if I wanted to be all made up as a girl and go out for my 12th birthday to a fancy restaurant. I said yes and so we spent the day getting ready. She drew me a bubble bath with sweet smelling perfumed soap and told me to shave my legs and underarms even through my hair was not very dark at age 12. She gave me a pair of my new satin panties and a matching bra to put on and one of her sheer dressing gowns. I felt wonderful and very close to her. She did my hair and makeup so great I looked very pretty and feminine. I even got to wear lipstick for the first time and a pair of her pantyhose, which I might say felt so silky and nice on my legs and as I walked. After all the makeup and before I put on my dress and heels,  she surprised me with a pair of silicone breast to put in my bra.  They were a good size for a 12 year old girl and I felt and looked wonderful. The other surprise was she took me to a nail salon and we both got our nails done.

At dinner that night I was called Miss by everyone who met me and we had a great time, actually the time of my life. I have never forgotten that day and how much my mother cared for me and wanted to share how she felt so I would understand women. I would spend many nights and weekends dressed in my lingerie and dresses until I grew out of them. My mother was always considerate enough to ask me if I wanted new lingerie or skirts to wear and I did get a few growing up. I am 20 years old now and am in college and still living with my mother. I was shown both sides of life and am thankful to my mother for that. I have a great girlfriend and on occasion I will dress up as a woman and go out with my girlfriend. She thinks it is great. We have gone to Las Vegas as two girls and I will spend the entire time as a female. I do not even bring male clothing. I am confident and relaxed as a male or female. I will admit I am somewhat petite for a male and do still shave my legs and underarms and keep my eyebrows arched but no one ever questions that and I get the best of both worlds. My mother was a great support and still is. What does the future have in store well I will admit that the more time I spend as a female the more time I want to spend as a female and it becomes more difficult each time to go back to the male side but that is me. Now I am not suggesting that your son will do what I did but you should at least show him your side of life.

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Sharyg11 View Drop Down
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Joined: May 05, 2005
Location: United States
Posted: Sep 27, 2007 at 10:38am
Yeah, turn your son into a crossdresser. Children don't have enough identity problems today!!!
 
I think this person wanted to have a girl.
 
Wanting to curl your son's hair is one thing. But dressing him as a female is borderline abuse. My nephew's have been raised to love and respect women and we didn't have to dress any of them as females.  They are very young but believe me, they have learned.
 
If a grown man wants to dress as a female, then that is his choice. But imposing that on a child because that is your "idea" of how to teach them to relate to women is just ridiculous.
 
If my mother or father had dressed me as a boy to "teach" me how to relate to men, I would have sued them as soon as I was of age.
Sharyg112007-10-01 12:21:23

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Jenny-B View Drop Down
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Joined: Feb 24, 2007
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Posted: Sep 27, 2007 at 10:38am
Hmmmm.  I'm thinking that there's no reason to get all worked up here. 
 
That post seems like a tranny fantasy to me. 
 
It's hard to tell sometimes, but I think that this one is pretty clearly BS.  I do apologize if I'm wrong here, but........

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Sharyg11 View Drop Down
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Joined: May 05, 2005
Location: United States
Posted: Sep 28, 2007 at 10:38am
You know what? I think you're rightLOL

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TMortis View Drop Down
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Joined: Apr 22, 2006
Location: United States
Posted: Sep 29, 2007 at 10:38am
I hate it when they start this fantasy about making little boys into girls for school, or a play, or something else. Leave the kids out of this place. 

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ald_fld View Drop Down
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Joined: Sep 19, 2007
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Posted: Oct 14, 2007 at 10:38am
Well, yingyangmom, what did you decide to do? These posts tell you everything from letting him dress as a girl all the way to forcing him to have a marine cut, its seems.
 
aldfld
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