complimenting women coworkers

Give me your thoughts on complimenting women coworkers. I am a married guy and wondered if it is proper to compliment women at my work on their hair and/or attire. (Ladies) Would this make you feel uncomfortable? Would this cross the harassment line?...
(Guys) Have you been in this situation? Have you ever gotten negative feedback?....
Personally, I would love to get compliments from female coworkers but didn`t know if it goes the same for women.

I say.....DON`T!!!

The biggest reason: these, dear Sir, are the days of sexual harassment complaints and lawsuits. Personally, no, of course I wouldn`t consider a single comment about my appearance harassment. But I`d highly suggest you not do it because you never know how others will accept it. Unfortunately, there are some crazy people out there.

Secondly, compliments about appearance in the workplace can be very tricky. Although YOU know that your intent is merely friendly, others don`t. Some woman might think you`re trying to make a pass at her. Or, if someone recently cut her hair and does not like it, you will only make matters worse (oh yeah, I have a lot of experience on this one!).

I know your intentions are honorable, but I strongly suggest you keep your opinions to yourself on this one.

Instead, come to this forum and tell US about them!

{grin}

Jennifer

If the compliment is given with taste and class why not. Noone can misunderstand that.

Well, I see you removed your earlier message (and mine responding to it), but the truth is Diane that not all women think the same way. Almost every guidebook for interaction in the workplace will advise (especially men) NOT to give personal, unsolicited comments to women at work. Even when delivered in a very polite manner, the comments can be misconstrued and disciplinary actions and lawsuits can result.

I`ll be the first to agree that it`s a very sad commentary that a person can use what was supposed to be a friendly comment against the person, but it has happened. Personal comments on someone`s appearance at work are not professional and can cause a lot of problems.

Jennifer

Today I told a youth worker at the school I am
volunteering at that I liked her new bangs (the
wispy kind that is) and she was not offended in
the least bit. But as you say, it might be coz I`m
up here and yer down there! :D

I`m torn on this.

On one had you want to complement these people because they look nice, but on the other hand you don`t want to come off as some sexually harassing oddball who will get into trouble.

My advice is to test the waters on a friendly person first. Gauge their reaction and go from there.

I guess what I am saying is just complement the ones you might be friends with. That way you won`t come off as an oddball and they will thank you for it.

I`m torn on this.

On one had you want to complement these people because they look nice, but on the other hand you don`t want to come off as some sexually harassing oddball who will get into trouble.

My advice is to test the waters on a friendly person first. Gauge their reaction and go from there.

I guess what I am saying is just complement the ones you might be friends with. That way you won`t come off as an oddball and they will thank you for it.

If you`re going to compliment someone, tell them how great that last project was, or how well they handled yesterday`s presentation. Personally I dish out hair-related compliments left and right, but I`m also a female and such gal-to-gal interactions are usually regarded as more common, at least in my corporate environment.

Honestly, it pains me that people of either sex can`t compliment each other freely without risking damage, but the truth is you can`t be too careful in today`s ultra-litigious society. When I worked as a reporter, I had an editor who unknowingly broke every sexual harassment policy in the book each time he spoke to me. He complimented my hair--which is perfectly fine with me--but then it would go to my suit, my makeup and then my figure. It got worse from there. While I`m pretty thick-skinned (journalism does that to you) it is still distracting when you`ve got a 45-year-old guy leering at you across the newsroom each day when all you want to do is finish your story.

My advice: if you wouldn`t say it to a male coworker, don`t say it to a woman. Even if you`re just being the nice person you are, it can still go the wrong way: you can`t control how another person interprets a given phrase.

There is nothing wrong with a man complimenting a woman on her new hairstyle if the compliment is sincere and if the guy doesn`t continue to flirt with the woman after the compliment(unless, of course, the woman is making it obvious that she likes the guy and wants more of his attention. In fact many married couples I know did meet at work). But a simple nice compliment, and then leave it at that, there is nothing wrong with doing that once in a while(not too often though).


When I went from having very long hair to a short hairstyle, I was, at first, very insecure about my new "do". Compliments from men and women , compliments I knew were sincere, really helped make me feel comfortable and pretty with my new short hairstyle.

Simple rules.

Don't compliment when:

1. At work. (You need your job)
2. When she's with some guy. (Unless you want to engage in a fight)

Do:

1. If it's someone you know (not at work where others can hear, but somewhere else like happy hour) that's feeling blue AND you mean it.
---------------------

I dated a co worker from 1977 to 1981, although we left the company in 1979 about a month apart. We met cause I thought she was beautiful and I told her so after asking her for a drink when we both worked late. She had long hair when we met, but cut it short shortly after. She was beautiful with both long hair or short. At work, we maintained our distance.

Hi all,

Yes..this can be a bit tricky sometimes but I agree if it is done carefully and tastefully it can be fine although yes...it is important to be clear about the message.

What I find bizarre is when people who are complete strangers reach out and touch my hair. I just had that happen in an elevator and it totally freaked me out.

I am sure some of you have experienced that as well. What do you do when it happens?

Usually I am so shocked that I give them my "shocked - how could you do that look" and then they will say something like in response.

The guy on the elevator told me that "it is so long I wanted to know if it was real or extensions". OK. Well at least he had an excuse but it still freaked me out.

Thoughts?

Best wishes,
Karen

What an interesting subject!
I would say it very much depends on the environment you're in, and how close you are to the person in question. And remember not every person can take a compliment.
But I can only speak for myself. If a male coworker complimented me, it would be fine, but a simple compliment would suffice and not an ode to my hair. Keep it simple!

And, Karen, I have had that experience as well, that strange people touch my hair. When it happens - which isn't that often btw (and I don't know if I should be happy about that or sad) - I just pretend it's nothing and quickly change the subject and/or get away from the person in question, because I does make me uncomfortable.

It's a bit like when people touch a woman's belly when she's pregnant, which I think is very rude, and maybe more so than touching some stranger's hair.

And what a weirdo on that elevator! You said at least he had an excuse, but checking if someone on your elevator has fake hair is just weird! I mean, have any of you ever pulled an unknown man's hair to see if he's wearing a hairpiece? Of course you freaked out!

Speaking of analogies...Karen's experience with Elevator Man wanting to know if her hair was real....imagine if the same guy wanted to know if you have real or fake....well...you know. Somehow I don't think the "I'm searching for authenticity!" claim would work for touching other anatomical regions. The nerve, really!

Hi Lyris...

You are too funny. Ah yes...that would have been bad if Elevator man were wondering about other things on my anatomy. But you know...I have actually been with co-workers who did discuss that from across a bar while watching some women. Of course they didn't touch them...thank goodness..but you know it borders on the same. :-)

Thanks for making my day.
Karen

Hi Isla,

Yes...the touching the pregnant belly thing is beyond freaky. I would not like that all but I know that people do that.

I like that you just change the topic. That seems like the best bet.

Best wishes,
Karen

I always had long hair when I was a kid and in school the kid behind me would always start playing with my hair when we were standing in line for stuff. Lots of kids seemed to want to braid my hair and things and I didn't mind one bit.

Now that I'm older my boyfriend runs his fingers through it a lot and I find it exceptionally relaxing.

But for a complete stranger on an elevator or someone you work with to start touching your hair would be kinda weird.

I don't think complimenting women on their appearances at work is appropriate. I think it was Miss Manners or Ann Landers who said it's never polite to make any kind of comment about a person's well, person. You know, like whether they have lost weight or not, etc.

I'm also a bit testy toward women viewed as ornaments and men as instruments so having a man comment on looks would bother me. Better comment on my job well done or my wonderful work performance. that's what matters at work.

It has actually irked me a great deal to hear that men at my job are "scoping out" the women. One man commented on a girl calling her a "cupcake". I find this completely inappropriate.

*Of course I like compliments. What woman doesn't! {That is, if the person is respectful to you when giving the compliment}.
I enjoy compliments from men, and I especially, {since I am of the Lesbian persuasion}, love compliments from women!
*Us women do spend time(and a little money too) to make ourselves look nice. A compliment is just a little reward for our efforts.{that is nice!}

I worked in hospitals and offices for 25 years and got every kind of compliment and harassment you can possibly imagine. Believe me, I knew the difference between a compliment and some jerk making offensive remarks. I enjoyed and still enjoy a true compliment. The other type is pretty easy to blow off. That said, I suppose in this litigious society we have made for ourselves you do have to be sort of careful. But if you are respectful, I don't think you have much to worry about legally. I actually had a male coworker who would critique my outfits every day. I sort of enjoyed it because he had a great eye and saved me from wearing some pretty awful outfits more than once and gave me great ideas for accessorizing (and no, he was not gay). And if he liked something I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that it looked pretty good. I had other male coworkers who would remind me when it was time to get my roots touched up or would tell me if my hairdresser hadn't quite gotten it right with my latest haircut. I found all of that sort of touching and amusing. Now that I am old enough to be pretty much beyond that sort of scrutiny (middle aged women are invisible) I find that I sort of miss it....

I think this harrassment thing has gotten way out of hand. Telling someone that they look nice today is a for cry from asking someone to get ahead they need to sleep with them.

Here in the south, our men are taught at a very young age to respect women. They always open the door for you, stand up when you enter a room, hold your hand to help you walk through a puddle or down a hill. Complete strangers do this for you.

In fact, I am very insulted if when I approach a door in a public place at the same time as a man and they do not open it for me. This is very rare but when it happens I say under my breath "chilvary is dead".

The other day, I was "trying" to fill one of my tires up with air on my car and OOPs silly me, I deflated it instead. There was a high school aged guy came running to help me. I did not even ask. I thanked him greatly. He said "no problem, anytime". Anytime your car breaks down on the side of the road, there is always 4-5 other cars stop for you, all men, to help you, while their wives come and make sure you have a cell phone to call someone or help in any way possible. My husband will always stop, especially if they are elderly. Funeral processions are always respected. On major highways, all cars pull to the side, both directions, and wait for the procession to pass.


If you accidently bump anyone in a public place, such as a department store, the other person ALWAYS says excuse me with a smile. If they don't, we usually say under our breath or to the person with us, "a yankee".he-he.

Bottom line is this, here in the south, we women LOVE being respected by our men (meaning all southern men) and we expect it and demand it.
Sexual harassment? Only if that word is involved.

I actually like a compliment unless they are hitting on you when that isn't what you are interested in.
There is a fine line there. People have to use their intuition on when, where and how to give a compliment.

Amen LiliBeach!!!
I wish I lived in the south! I LOVE when men treat me like a lady. If they give me a compliment here at work, I smile and say Thank you. It's an awful egotistical person that thinks just because they are getting complimented, the man is hitting on them!! maybe the men were raised to be "kind to others?" I know when a man is hitting on me, and when they do, I politely say "NO, I'm happily married Thank you." I dont go running into my bosses office screaming sexual harrasment.
I love what you said LiliBeach......

I started this thread and have been enjoying the replies. I think maybe LiliBeach hit it on the head. I was raised in the South and only think of it as a nice compliment - not a chance to jump in bed with someone. I only jump in bed with my wife. I am one of the few who have been only with one woman (sexually) their whole life.

Thank you very much!!