Uzma, If I may ask you?

Dear Uzma,
I am curious as to what is the situation is with you. I mean you are growing your hair out without any trims or anything and I am wondering if you could tell me the whole story behind all this and what you did and now doing to your hair? I always thought you had long hair.

Thanks,
DANIA

Hi Dania

For the whole of my life I have been dictated to with regard to what is acceptable in terms of appearance. The length/style of my hair (and my sister's) has/had been agressively dictated to us by my mother, specifically, and to a lesser extent, her family.
I felt pressurised to conform to an image unnatural to myself - by my family, work colleagues, the feminist movement and my friend within it and certain other institutions.
The hair had to be short, styles, androdynous if not downright masculine (I am now talking stereotypes). They basically "told" me that in order to be a successful, respectable, independant woman in the modern western world, I had to look and behave like a parody of a white man.
So all femininity was forbidden and the hair was sheared ever shorter - I was encouraged to do so. Women with long hair were and are criticised and put down at home and at work. I felt the internal struggle but could not pinpoint it because I had no natural vision of myself.
My long-term partner (now-ex) did not allow the free-flowing of the feminine nature that was unfolding before him. He did not know how to cope with a woman - he himself had stayed a boy well into his 30s.
I took 9 months off work and did some hard thinking, some travelling and some de-construction. Then I found myself with myself and liked who I was stripped of all internal and external modifications.
I made a number of decisions - one of them included letting my hair grow to it's maximum length. This is not an act of rebellion for me, it is an act of fulfillment. Nor is it through vanity.
I simply want to experience my fully expressed self - as the woman I am. And for me, part of this has to do with hair.
My last visit to a hairdresser was in June last year - so I have been growing it for a very long time. I now have shoulder-length hair, which is the longest it's ever been.
I have no intention of trimming it, even when/if it splits. I have no splits yet.
My aim is to have every strand that had previously been cut (and has a blunt end) to fall off during the natural hair lifecycle, and be replaced with a fresh hair that has never been, and never will be, cut.
So - a head full of un-cut hair with the natural-tapered ends is the goal.
I have experienced a lot of positive and negative responses. My mother fluctuates but I think this is to maintain a relationship with me. Other people are also displeased and not at all shy of saying so. Others yet are complimentary.
Ultimately, I am happy I have undertaken his odyssey. Who knows where it will lead....who knows how long my hair can get?

Hope that answers your questions.

Take care

Uzma

Uzma, thank you for sharing this. I congratulate you on your self-discovery and wish you all the best in achieving your goals.

Elissa

I want to thank you very much for telling me the whole story. I do have some more questions for you. First off, I want ask to how long have you been growing your hair for? How long did it take for your hair to get to shoulder length? How old are you? What is your religion? What is your complete background/culture? I feel very bad for you that you were forced to cut your hair off. That is completely outrageous and what I find even more unbelievable is how your ex would not allow the free-flowing of the feminine nature. I must say that although I prefer shorter hair on women only if it will make the person look better, I would never force someone into doing something against their wishes. If the person wants long hair, so be it. I'm not going to stop loving any less if they have long hair. They are still the same person inside that I have fallen in love with. No one should be pressured into something that they don't want themselves and I am extremely sympathetic for you. How old were you when you were forced to shear your hair short?

In America Uzma, especially with Latinos, it is just the opposite. Women were expected to have long hair and grow up and be good mothers and wives and it was a real fight to do anything different.
Now don't get me wrong, I think it is fine for a woman to have long hair, and I am getting married soon and am looking forward to being a mother and wife myself,but there is more to me than just that.

And I strongly disagree with you that a woman who wears her hair short is being "androgynous" or "unfeminine". I wear my hair short now and not only is it liberating to me but I feel as feminine, if not more so, than I felt with long hair! I also dress feminine and wear jewelry and makeup. I feel very feminine and I think it is EXTREMELY SEXIST to say that women with short hair are unfeminine. Are Halle Berry, Winona Ryder, or Sharon Stone( and numerous other very feminine women) unfeminine with their short hair? Men certainly don't think so!

[QUOTE=Lady Maria] ...And I strongly disagree with you that a woman who wears her hair short is being "androgynous" or "unfeminine". ...[/QUOTE]

I think you need to read Uzma's message again, Maria. I didn't feel Uzma's story to be sexist at all.
Uzma was talking about certain styles being unfeminine and androdynous, not about women with short hair being those things.

When I read Uzma's post, I took it that she was speaking strictly on these matters in relation to herself , for herself, i.e., that those hairstyles made her feel androgynous or unfeminine. I did not get the feeling at all that she was putting down those styles, or saying that they were androg/unfem in of themselves. I doubt she intended her statements to be taken that way.

Elissa

Thanks Melba!



Isla and Elissa,

Your points are well taken. Maybe I didn't exactly understand what Uzma was trying to say, after all she was relating to her personel experience being forced to wear certain hairstyles.

I understand that. Because some women are pressured to wear their hair long when they would feel sexier, more feminine, and liberated wearing their hair in a short style, like I decided to do by getting a short pixie/crop hairstyle.

So I can understand how a woman can reject being pressured by others instead of what she thinks is best for her.

I will never believe though that a feminine women with a short hairstyle is anything other than feminine and I know that many women with short hair, and the men they are with, feel the same way I do!

[QUOTE=Lady Maria] I will never believe though that a feminine women with a short hairstyle is anything other than feminine and I know that many women with short hair, and the men they are with, feel the same way I do!
[/QUOTE]

Not just many women with short hair (and their men) feel that way. Lots of long-haired girls - such as yours truly - feel that way too! A feminine woman is a feminine woman, it doesn't matter if her hair is long or short. It's as simple as that!

But I must say I'm glad there's so much diversity on this board (and in the world). And everyone should be able to wear their hair just the way they like it. Here's to freedom!

Uzma, what other decisions did you make other than to let your hair grow? How do you think that you are treated differently now that you have longer hair? Have you lost a lot of friends.

Hi Iris

I let certain things in my life go.
Especially anger towards others that was warping my soul and preventing me moving forward.
Equally important, I let go of certain ideas that were fed to me for decades that never felt right.

I just shed these right along with a whole style of dressing, talking and being that was a "put on". The persona I had assumed was not truly me. It was a series of defensive and compliant masks that I had come to believe were necessary for me to survive.

I kept and have developed the very reduced sense of empathy with others, honour, self-respect, enjoyment of all of life, spirituality, quietness and gentleness. But I also kept my mental alertness, raging sense of justice, long strides, loneness and fight.

How have others reacted? Shock and confusion. People who thought they knew me, didn't know what had happened. I did try and introduce them gradually to what truly mattered to me and who I truly was. Some didn't like what was being revealed - we had no common ground and relations were nullified. Others were attracted, but I kept my distance (and still do) in order to maintain a sense of integrity.

I have had support from very few quarters in very few ways.
No one person has been totally supportive, just on one or two points. I guess they think that one person should remain the same throughout their life and not change their ideas over the years in order to avoid losing face.
I don't care about losing face because I no longer allow other to have any power over me. They too are souls that are stumbling through life. They are not my masters. The real challenge in life is to master oneself on a very deep level. Then you are confronted with the peace that comes with being - just being - uniquely and ultimately, yourself.

By the way, I wasn't intending to be sexist with reference to short hairstyles on women. Of course women can and do look very feminine with short styles and even with shaved heads.
It wasn't a choice for me. It was more militaristic and brutal. A destruction of all internal and external manifestation of womanhood. What couldn't be hidden or altered was derided. No quarter was given. I was humiliated, angry, sad and lost for many years, and every time my spirit rebelled, I was brought back into line.
I don't really want to go into specific detail about my background or the reasons why this happened.
i just hope that anybody reading this who is going throught the same torture, will know that it is possible to find the courage to bear rejection by all that have made you their emotional and intellectual slaves. It is possible to liberate yourself and rise far above anything you had every dreamt possible.

Take care, Iris.

Uzma

I SUPPORT YOU UZMA! Do what makes you happy!:) Good luck with everything!

Uzma...

I appreciate how you shared with us your struggle and growth. It really is not about vanity but fulfillment. I was really inspired and wanted you to know this.

I am older and just recently chopped off all of my hair to collar bone length, it sort of symbolized a fresh beginning for me. I would love to go your route of never cutting it again, maybe I will. I really do not have plans, I just want it to be healthy and long. Before I cut it I was struggling with the condition of my hair. And now it is healthy.

I take extra care to take extra care of my hair, so maybe I can realize my desire.

The way I see it is time is passing anyway and in 5 years I can either have long hair or wish I had long hair...

wittils

Just for the record, I'm another long-haired woman who, like Isla, thinks short hair is very sexy. I think all women are sexy, when they are happy and comfortable on the inside. The window dressing matters little, at least IMHO.

Uzma,

Simply by expressing yourself honestly, see all the controversy you create, all of the people giving their various responses and misinterpetations and interpetations of what you said!

You are by nature a controversial, opinionated, obstinate person, strong willed person, Uzma.

Because you have deep feelings, and are philosophical about the decisions you make, even as simple of a decision as growing your hair out, becomes controversial and causes a reaction in others.

Because you are who you are, you will always probably be a little "different" or "controversial" uzma, and I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way. Maybe that is your fate girl! That's just the way you are!

But the again maybe it takes one to know one!

lady maria, do you know uzma personally?

Can't blame Uzma for creating all the controversy... Uzma "was just saying what she believed, it's no biggie. Nothin wrong with that girl, she's got that right, I believe." (Borrowed that from Melba).

Sorry for the sarcasm. But it bothers me when people open themselves up to answer a simple question and get slammed.

I do agree with the fact that some girls look great with short hair and it seems so carefree and fun. Long hair is beautiful too. Both can be feminine, that is for sure.

I don't have the face for short hair, I mean short, short. It's too boyish on me. But if I did I would probably wear it that way. Yet I feel so much better with my hair very long. I have beautiful hair when it is long and not everyone can wear it long like that, so that make's it kind of special for those of us who can.

No politicalgirl, I have never met Uzma in person, in fact she is in Britian and I'm in the U.S..

Uzma and I, and a few others, have had some serious conversations on this board including an indepth political conversation on the politics board, so I have gotten to know how intelligent, strong willed, and obstinate she is. And I am a little the same way, as are a few others on this board I've noticed, especially people with strong opinions not only on fashion and hair but on political and social issues.

I must add though that it has been fun and interesting, and Uzma has also indicated that in spite of her strong opinions she can also be flexible, diplomatic, and learn from others, which I find very admirable in her. We have all gained from the conversations on this board. The conversations by and large have been civilized, decent, and worthwhile.

Lady Maria and Uzma,

You are both very intelligent, wonderful women and both of you have my respect.

A million minds, a million point of views.

This board is kind of an escape for me in what seems always to be turbulent times.

At home or in the world.

I must say I don't think Uzma caused controversy here, as Lady Maria put it. The only person who seemed slightly shocked (for lack of a better word), was Maria herself.

And Wittils: well said!

...You Guy's are fun to read.

Let's hear it for differances.

And Let's hear it for, the power of all women finding and learning to love themselves....Ok, and men too.

Elissa, Dania, Isla Q, Turquoise Girl, Wittils, Sophie - thank you all for your support and kind comments. It feels strange to be sharing intimate stuff without knowing you all personally, but that's what being an e-community is all about.
It's great that we can reach out and touch each other without the usual barrier of visual reference and judgement.
Lady Maria - I feel like I know you more than most because of our recent political duelling - which I really enjoyed. My ideas are much more refined/defined as a result - and my arguments are tougher (hehehe).

Love and Blessings to you all.

Uzma

Uzma,

Riddle no.1.;

Could it be the mischieveous little darling CUPID?

Nope - not Cupid.
Cupid was cheerful and michevious. This guy is a lot more serious.
Also, Cupid hair is usually depicted as blond and curly - this guys hair is almost platinum and dead straight....and he has a couple of braids.

Come on Lady Maria - you gotta get this one so that I can post Riddle No.2 in my signature!!!!

Hehehehehehe