It Happened Again & Freaked Me Out

I was at a large department store buying towels of all things and I was in the checkout line. An older women got in line behind me and the next thing I knew, she had her hands on my hair. She was touching it, sort of like testing the ripeness of fruits and veggies.I freaked and pulled back and gave her a look. I was stunned. I always am. She seemed embarrased but said, well I was just wanting to see if your hair was real and it is so soft.This has happened to me before on elevators and in shopping malls. I want to know what I am doing wrong that gives people the nerve to just reach out and touch my hair?I want to slap them but I have too many manners.Does this happen to anyone else and what do you do? This is definitely a major pet hair peeve of mine and I am still steaming, hours later.

Shirley,Although I have never had this happen to me (and I have never done thisto anybody else!), I understand your frustration.Basically, they are touching a part of you without having first obtainedyour permission to do so!Look at their (somewhat rude) actions as a big compliment. Your hair isobviously very well cared-for and very beautiful. Not everybody has whatmight be considered "sufficient" self-restraint, or manners, as do you.You may want to calmly explain to them your surprise at being touched.Perhaps then they may begin to understand that touching without firstasking permission is inconsiderate (perhaps?).It's really not my place to ask, but you may want to consider trying tobe more forgiving of their transgressions. Just a friendly and gentlesuggestion.Dave

Hi Jade21,Please be assured that in no way do I condone the behavior of people whotouch others in any way without having first received permission to do so.Also, I am not suggesting to Shirley that she feel that she was not violated,for clearly she was.The degree to which that violation constitutes a potentially dangeroussituation, though, is another matter to consider when choosing one's response.Certainly the "touchers" in these two situations were quite different.Shirley may not have felt endangered by the "older woman" touching her hair(as if testing vegetables). But in your encounter, it is very clear to seehow you rightly felt endangered. It was a man, he gave your hair a strongtug, he disrespectfully laughed at your request that he not touch your hair,he pursued you after you moved seats, and he began asking you all sorts ofpersonal questions. Certainly you were considerably harassed, and for thatI am sorry to hear.I also agree that when someone touches your hair without having receivedpermission to do so, one needs to be very cautious about the "toucher" andtheir motives.Although I haven't experienced anything quite like you or Shirley, I hadmy own unpleasant encounter of sorts a few years ago. It was July 4th andan extremely large fireworks-watching crowd was departing the viewing areaafter the show (there were so many people it was shoulder-to-shoulder).From directly behind me, I heard the voice of a boy (approximately 12 yearsold) who said "If I had a scissor..." I turned to see who said this, sawthe boy and an adult man accompanying him (presumably his father) bothlooking at me. I waited a moment for the man to admonish the boy for hiswords -- yet none was forthcoming. So I gave that man the dirtiest lookimagineable. If looks could kill...Dave

Hi all,I'm totally with Jade and Shirley here.There is no excuse, read my lips, no excuse, for molesting others in dept stores, the subway, or anywhere else! If people want to go around fondling any part of a total stranger they should ask - and if they don't they fully deserve a good "talking to" (as we say here in the UK).For God's sake what next, "I just wanted to feel if your butt was real, it looked so firm"?????!!!!!If groped, let 'em know how you feel

Jade,Oh, how horrible! I'm so sorry for your friend. What was done to himwas W-R-O-N-G !!!Oddly enough.... my "encounter" happened while I was living in New York.Hmmm...Having reminded myself of the story yesterday, I told it to a colleagueat work, who in turn told me that last year, when SHE lived in New York,that she and her husband chose to watch the fireworks show from homeBECAUSE she distrusts large crowds!> There are some strange, destructive people out there.Indeed, and unfortunately, there are.Take care Jade.DaveBTW, thank you for your kind compliment on my hair! :-)

Wow. Thanks for all the support and great ideas on how to handle the situation in the future. The woman in question, to answer Lurker, was about 50. Maybe a little younger.I can understand why very young or very old people may want to touch my hair. It would be OK if they asked first. Then I could decide whether I felt comfortable or not.I really liked what all of you had to say about this and could relate so much to Jade21 in her horrible encounter with the male who had hands from hell.Thanks for all taking the time to help me on this topic.Shirley> Hello Shirley> I would also be shock by it and feel invaded. I am not> sure what I would do or say if it happened to me.> Diane

How about a little perspective here?An elderly women pets your hair admiringly, and you are so deeply affronted you have to VENT? Ain't beauty a curse.Shirley, I don't mean to diminish your feelings, but it seems to me that this sort of encounter is a far cry from what Jade described, which was sexual harassment and had little to do with hair. I know we all have our hang-ups. For example, I can't stand anyone breathing in my face. But I also understand that it's part of some people's culture, habit, subconscious body-language script, etc., to do so.My grandmother reaches out to touch babies in supermarkets and will put her arm around the shoulder of someone she just met. She'll also pick lint off a stranger's lapel. This makes me cringe, not because she's really doing anything wrong, but because I know other people are so damned intolerant. Once at a conference I told another woman she had beautiful hair, and she looked at me like I was chasing her with a pair of scissors.It amazes me that in this society we work so hard to cultivate beauty and inspire lust and envy in the hearts of others--and then scorn the targets. I think we've become way too sensitive, intolerant, and indignant. No, this woman had no RIGHT to put her hands on you. But is it really the end of the world? Can't you see it as a compliment?If someone found my hair so gorgeous that they literally couldn't keep their hands off it, I'd be walking on air all the way home from Stop & Shop.The Other Side,Ally