Hair criticism hell

Any suggestions on how to cope with constant snide remarks about your hair?
My Mother has always hated (a) femininity (b) long hair. I discussed this with her the other week, explaining how the message I got while I was growing up was that femininity and it`s outward expression equated one with being a weak and stupid woman. Hence I have spent 37 years of my life with ultra short hair and a stock wardrobe of black trouser suits. I was in a constant battle with myself, trying to hide breasts, legs etc and have never possessed a pair of `girly` shoes. That was until this year. I realized that I had been trying to make myself acceptable to M and drowing out that little voice that said "no". Now its a big voice and I am paying attention.
Still, I went visiting my folks a couple of days ago and she started again:
"It`ll look horrible if you grow it" & "Its unprofessional to have long hair", etc.
Contrast this with positive comments I`ve had from men for the first time in my life:
"You`re blooming" & "You look really pretty" and a couple of strangers smiling at me and saying "Gorgeous".
Still it really hurts when M casts disparaging remarks - hair-hating is always on the agenda.
I`ve dropped hints, I`ve analysed and I`ve ignored.
Anyone got any ideas on how I can end this nightmare?????

Hi Gary
Thanks for your support.
I will be printing your reply and taping it to my mirror!!
It`s nice to know that there are men out there who appreciate feminine females (as paradoxical as that sounds).
OK - from now on, no more Drag King.
Mom - I am not your son-substitute.
I guess this is long overdue, but the hair is growing long and the next purchase will be the silk dress I have dreamed of.
Thank you again, Gary - and God bless.
Uzma

Anyone got any ideas on how I can end this nightmare?????

Move a million miles away and disconnect the phone and change your name! Sounds nice at times to think of such ideas as I almost did but the reality of the situation is that the nightmare doesn`t stop. It gets worse. When one actually stands up for they really believe in they find themself in the middle of a war zone, well especially in a french base family lol. My mother said to me once that she had this very nice dream that I was wearing really cool clothes and I cut my hair shorter. Wow!!!!! lol What a cool dream right? lol
It really gets worse. When one doesn`t follow the "family rules"we find ourselves in a battle that seem to be who will control whos life for example because I don`t follow the rules being I`m 41 and been responsible for years and never asked for a handout my sister decided that she couldn`t handle that and had to think if she will be available to drive me home after my operation and I said that I would take a taxi and told her that she could no longer be my sister and sure enough she back down when she realize that I couldn`t be controlled.
The bottom line is family will not be involved in driving me home and I will have to accept that the concept of family and loving in a family is not possible at times and that some family really have controling issues.
The thing is you will never have her approval and you only have one life to live ( sounds like a soap opera). She lived her life and did what she wanted so ...............

Anyone got any ideas on how I can end this nightmare?????

Move a million miles away and disconnect the phone and change your name! Sounds nice at times to think of such ideas as I almost did but the reality of the situation is that the nightmare doesn`t stop. It gets worse. When one actually stands up for they really believe in they find themself in the middle of a war zone, well especially in a french base family lol. My mother said to me once that she had this very nice dream that I was wearing really cool clothes and I cut my hair shorter. Wow!!!!! lol What a cool dream right? lol
It really gets worse. When one doesn`t follow the "family rules"we find ourselves in a battle that seem to be who will control whos life for example because I don`t follow the rules being I`m 41 and been responsible for years and never asked for a handout my sister decided that she couldn`t handle that and had to think if she will be available to drive me home after my operation and I said that I would take a taxi and told her that she could no longer be my sister and sure enough she back down when she realize that I couldn`t be controlled.
The bottom line is family will not be involved in driving me home and I will have to accept that the concept of family and loving in a family is not possible at times and that some family really have controling issues.
The thing is you will never have her approval and you only have one life to live ( sounds like a soap opera). She lived her life and did what she wanted so ............... I understand how you feel. Dummy me I have always reach out for that approval and acceptance to find abuse.

Dear Diane
Thank you for your input and understanding.
it`s weird that this one person has more power to hurt with one word than a gang of 10 people kicking me around.
I am of independent means and I have made my life my way. It`s the little, personal things which are the only openings for intrusion and control, and she jumps right in - quite predictable really.
It is abuse, as you say. Acceptance and approval from the one who bore you and raised you - sounds like a dream. I figure it is because she is imposing ownership. Like "I had you - you are mine - how dare you oppose me - I am taking back control any way, any how at your cost".
Phew. Enough. Time for some Healing.....
***I`m sending LOVE down the digital highway to all oppressed souls. There is unlimited love in all our hearts for each other and I urge everyone to let the hate go, let the pain go. Breathe, think, live, LOVE***
BIG HUG to Diane
Gary - will post some pics later this year.
Take care
Uzma

Hi as mother myself - Ic an tell youthat this is not about whether your mom loves or accepts you.....She fell in love with you and accepted you the day you were born. She may not say - some people are not taught how to verbally express love and acceptance to their children. When wa the last time you complimented your mom on how she looks? I am twlling you this because i have the same problem with my mom. She has an idea of how I should look - BUT NOT ANYMORE!!! She has learned from me how to express love and acceptance. A child can teach a parent, yes. be open - tell her what you have told us, that you know she projects "boy" wishes on to you. tell her you like the way you look - that it makes you feel wondeful to look feminine and that you hope she will accept that and move off of the topic. Then compliment her!

This I learned from Jesus - who never took criticism to heart and always returned hatred with love.

Thank you HairAlways

I do complement my mother every time I see her.
She herself did not receive care and attention from her mother so I guess it is understandable that she does not know how to relate acceptance and affection to her children (touching is also prohibited).

You are right. Responding with love to any criticism is the wise thing to do and the only way forward.

God bless you.

Uzma

Dear Steve

Thank you so much for your support.
Interestingly, I started a new job today and decided to change my image to reflect my new thinking.
For the first time in my life I wore a light chiffon blouse (admittedly in business-like black with small white dots) but it is cut to look very fluid and is soft and sheer. I wore tiny diamond earrings and a single diamond on a delicate chain around my neck.
Also tried to wear my hair differently. It is jaw-length in long layers - that awkward growing-out stage - but I pinned up the sides so that they are arranged on my head and off my face. The rest was left down and I curled the ends upward (like a reverse bob if that makes sense).
Although I haven`t made the transition to wearing a skirt yet (I have bought 2 skirts for when I am feeling more confident in my femininity) the total effect was shockingly womanly - I couldn`t get over my image in the mirror and couldn`t stop smiling.
During my lunch hour I went to visit some old colleages in a different part of the Company.
I hadn`t seen them for 10 months and they ALL commented on my appearance in a very positive way. One guy just wouldn`t let me go and I could tell by his wandering eyes that he was taking it all in.
I really appreciate your offer to help me decide how to make the transition to uncovering the woman I`ve trashed for all these years.
On your advice, I will wear one of my skirts during the next few days. Need to think about what to do with my legs. Bare, stockings or opaque hose. Hmmmm...how far should I challenge myself. I bet anyone reading this is thinking I am making a big deal of small stuff but I have NO experience of these things. Its almost like going into drag.
As for the confidence factor, I am great around women but pretty scared around men, especially if they are looking at me the way that guy was today. I find it impossible to make eye contact and if they are bigger than me (I`m 5 foot 3 inches)I feel intimidated and have to move away ASAP. Pretty pathetic, huh.
I must apologise - not much about hair here.
Let me know what I can tell you about myself so that you can give me your kind advice.

Thank you again

Uzma

Dear Gary

Thank you, kindly..
I have sent you an e-mail today.

Best regards

Uzma

Look around and here what the other women in your office wear. Some offices in the summer don`t care if someone have bare legs. If not allowed, try wearing a lighter colour that is more like skin type.
In the fall wear darker hosiery to matche your wardrobe. Off blacks is a popular colour and safe to work with. In the winter when you will start wearing wool skirts etc than you could easily wear opague hosiery or black hosiery.

I was a rep for the hanes, wonderbras, cameo brands. Had three whole days of training in Montreal for this lol. Buy products with lycra because it stretches and it won`t make a run as fast and it always feels silkier on the leg. 100% nylon is cheaper but feel rough on the leg plus it doesn`t look as nice. If you have long legs buy Hanes. Go and try out brands. YOu will find one that suits you fine.

Hi Diane

Thanks for the advice.
I wish you were living in London, England.....I would have taken you out to lunch after a trip to the hoisery section of John Lewis (large department store) and an objective opinion (lol).

The women in my office are divided.
The women managers wear sharp suits, short hair and no make-up.
The women secretaries and administrators are in T-shirts,skirts (bare legs) or legging-type stretch pants and longer hair and a lot or no make-up.
The managers look hard and the secretaries look unkempt.

I am a Consultant so have to deal with the managers and more senior guys on an equal footing, look professional and competent and inspire confidence.

I`ll have to perform a balancing act by appearing "high quality" - feminine yet sober, without any slur on my ability.

Society is such a crazy mess!! I can`t believe we have to think about these things so much (maybe it`s just me at the moment).

Anyway, thanks Diane.

Gary - I have e-mailed you again (hope you got it).

Kind regards

Uzma

Hey, Uzma! Are you still growing your hair out? Does your mom still say that kind of stuff? Just asking, cuz I just cut my hair pretty short and my mom keeps telling me that I look like a boy and how could I do this when I have senior pictures coming up and blah blah blah. I know she doesn`t mean to, but it kinda hurts doesn`t it? I was nervous enough about getting it cut and how it would look short, etc, without the negativity from someone who I would normally count on for support. :( I understand how you feel about it being wierd to try to look feminine when you haven`t for most of your life. I grew up in a house with a military dad, two older brothers, and a mom who always wears pants- it wasn`t until the last few years that I`ve gotten into wearing `girlie` clothes and makeup and jewelry and stuff. It feels good, though (I by the way, my short hair does NOT make me look like a boy!) Anyway, just wondering if you`re still going on with it, and wanted to say that I think its cool that you want to be more feminine and look the way you like. After all, we`re girls, right? Why should we look that way? Best of luck and all to you & hope you new longer hair looks GREAT!
Love, Ingrid

Hi Ingrid

I know exactly where you`re coming from. I grew up in army surplus (lol).
I am getting well settled into being a truly womanly womaen both externally and internally. I feel like I have shed a big burden of pretense that I was something that I`m not (a pseudo-man)and avoiding being the fulfillment of who I am (female). Hope that makes sense....

The relationship with my mother has just become mega-weird. She is trying to get me to wear the kind of feminine clothes and jewellry she likes - and I detest - I guess it`s just that she needs to have some control over her kids.
Anyway, I made it quite clear to her that I am not her personal dress-up-doll and the strength of that push back has altered the way she now relates to me.
She is mystified. I have confused the enemy (just kidding).

My hair is now flowing to my shoulders and I am getting a lot of positive, unprospected comments, which is noce but I find I don`t need them.
I am sooooo happy being this way. It feels completely natural and healthy - its like I`ve had an emotional-psychological make-over and the externals just reflect that change.

Ingrid, I think short hair can look fantastically beautiful on a woman if it suits and shows-off her face and head. I sincerely hope you find out what makes you take joy in yourself - and when you find it......GRAB IT AND DON`T LET IT GO.
No one - mother or otherwise - has the right to dictate to you on anything. I know it hurts bad when someone closer than close criticises or makes negative slurs - I`ve been there too many times.

Here`s a trick I learnt.
I call it the Mad Mother mantra.
When she is saying the bad stuff, just have a big voice say in your head :

"Oh, poor mother, obviously has a mental problem, didn`t take her medication today, I must be kind and explain things to her calmly and gently, ."

Confuse the enemy. She`s saying all this bad stuff and expecting you to react - and you are giggling because you have just repeated your mantra. Works a treat. Ha ha !!!

Girly-Girls Rule Forever.

Lots of love to you Ingrid and thanks for your post.

Uzma X X X

Uzma-
Hey, Girly-Girl! Thanks for your thoughtful advice & comments! A little bit of good news here... my brother came home on leave from the army today, and so the family gathered at my Gramma`s house for dinner. This was the first time that either Gramma or my brother ERic have seen my hair. Well, Gramma said she liked it right away (she`s a sweetie- always has something nice to say). A little later, while we were eating, my Mom brought it up and started talking about my hair again, and I felt really low and embarrassed- why the heck is my hair a topic for dinner discussion? Then Eric spoke up and said "I think it looks great, Inga." "What?" I said in shock. Then my mom says, "You don`t think it makes her look less feminine?" "No," Eric sez. "It`s pretty. I like it."
Now here`s the cool part; I`ve never been very close with Eric- he`s a jock and very outgoing and likes to compete and stuff, and I`m the quiet bookworm type. I don`t think that he`s ever given me a compliment, ever, on anything. So to hear him say such a sweet thing about me, with my mom sitting right there...I just about cried. I`ve been really nervous and still unsure about having short hair anyway, and the criticism was getting me down. It made me feel so good to hear that from him. I gave him a big hug & kiss later for it :) Anway, that was only tonight, but Mom hasn`t said anything about it since :) Maybe my big bro`s compliment kinda showed her up.

Glad to hear that you`re so happy with your hair- it sounds pretty foxy! Sorry that your mom is being wierd; I think that mothers get so used to that role when we`re kids that they have a lot of trouble giving it up later on. Ok, I`m still pretty much a kid, so I guess it`s not that big a deal between my mom & me, but my oldest brother Will is 25 & married with a baby on the way, and she still nags him about the way he dresses, etc. Hold in there- she`ll come around eventually. Sounds like you`ve got a pretty good handle on it, though.
Oh, yeah, I read your poem in the poety section of the site- I like it!!!!! :)
Anway, take care Ok?
Love, Ingrid

Nice quote...Pink FLoyd rocks! :) :) :)
I have that album...maybe I should play it for her (hehehehehe)
Seriously, though, its cool that there are a lot of military women that are feminine and tough at the same time. Very admirable.